Score: 10

"Fuck the kids"

submission: Fucking Kids!

date: November 15, 2009

Literally.

Put that shit on paper. You did one better. You put that shit on digital paper. A digital flipbook. And I pressed play on that digital flipbook and reaffirmed my own negative thoughts about Halloween and how our entire culture reveres children all year long while i'm getting fucked in MY ass with bills and rent.

I'm only being sort of serious. Serious in the sense that someone could in fact take this as a political message. When in reality it is a just about a man, presumably yourself, beating up a child-like depiction of Jim Carey. Which brings me to my ultimate point, and the obvious point of your flash.

The Mask was a shitty fucking movie. Lets be honest here people, Jim Carey was rarely if ever funny. The best character in the entire movie was the dog, and they even had to go and ruin that by adding the obnoxious and heinously dressed MASK character TO the dog. Creating some sort of hybrid of uncomic foolishness and a disaster of 1990's graphics technology. I want to fuck New Line Cinema in the ass after viewing it. And DID YOU KNOW, that it was nominated for an OSCAR for BEST VISUAL EFFECTS? What in the name of all that is fuck.

I'm being mostly serious now. The Mask really was not a good movie, but obviously this flash movie has a point. And that point is..

There is no fucking point. There isn't supposed to be a fucking point. I hate having to get up 70 times a night and give some snot nosed mother fucker some of MY candy just because he dressed up like a little miniature version of something I hate. And sometimes in my head I think about going out there and smashing their skulls in, perhaps raping a few. It's a fleeting thought, i'm not a god damned maniac, but at least i'm smart enough to remember and recognize my fleeting thoughts. This is an entire MOVIE of a fleeting thought most people would simply brush away in milliseconds.

I've drawn the conclusion that I have a lot of anger on the basis of this review considering I quite enjoyed this movie. I simply dislike Jim Carey's body of work and dislike anyone who would be discouraged by your flashes on the basis that there is no particular thought other than shock value. Creativity to some people is in the form of stained glass on a church window or a bunch of fucking rainbow butterflies or some stupid shit.

Review in a nutshell:

10/10.

Score: 10

"What can I say"

submission: Blush Your Teeth

date: November 15, 2009

I watch this movie twice a day.

That's quite okay, i'm a bit fucked myself you might say. I'm also not planning on rhyming throughout this entire review. I'm not exactly sure what it is about this flash movie that has me so intrigued, but I think in all honesty it reminds me of my dreams. If one were to cartoonify and film the inside of my mind, something like this would most certainly be there on a nightly basis. How you managed to actually portray this not only in the sense of DRAWING it but the actual animation, (complete with wobbly buildings, occasional extra limbs, and blood and guts and sugarplumb rainbows) is completely astounding.

One of the things that I find common in some of your movies, and the one aspect that really creates the dreamlike feel is the constant inclusion of unnecessary plot points. The direction of the flash, and of the "main characters" so to speak seems to change so rapidly that by the time my brain processes the next task i.e (free liquor) i've already forgotten the first. That's what dreams are like, a never-ending series of problems. These things really should be stressful, and Bl(r)ush Your Teeth is no exception to that.

Of course, there's the other side. The side that always seems to watch your flashes when i'm extremely blitzed out of my mind. The correlation between drug use and something with such a high degree of creativity will always be in question. All I can say is

send me the shit you're eating

Score: 5

"Freedom of speech is hardly the issue"

submission: V-tech Rampage

date: May 17, 2007

Immediately following the massacre at V-Tech, I knew it was only a matter of time before some self-loving "freedom musketeer" made a game in an attempt to prove some sort of point. Sure enough, you stepped in and delivered a bland and tasteless game riddled with spelling mistakes and racial slurs.

Now, the game itself wasn't entertaining, as if the simplistic controls of "S = talk, A = shoot" weren't a big enough clue to its shallow gameplay. Perhaps the only decent aspect of the game was that you had to follow the storyline, and the combination of "stealth" with the rampage made it a tad more challenging. The sound was one-dimensional, and the choice of music seemed completely puzzling. As for the violence, well, there certainly was some. Yet somehow you managed to make a violent massacre look and feel boring.

As for your message of "freedom of speech", I really don't think that is what you're concerned about. Clearly, the only purpose of this game was for you to get news coverage so you could pretend to be some sort of "super-hero" for freedom. Obviously I don't feel that the game should be taken down, but it certainly shouldn't receive any press coverage, nor should you think of yourself as anything more than an attention whore. I'm quite sure any remotely talented author on Newgrounds could make a movie about car bombings or Muhammed, yet I always figured that these movies weren't created because the authors had a little more self-respect. I'm certainly not saying that these issues should never be discussed, nor am I saying that tragedies should be off-limts for this sort of thing. Yet you managed to camouflage a pathetic ploy for attention it to some sort of "freedom of speech" issue. I do hope you realize that not everybody fell for your shallow excuse, and many do see that underlying immaturity behind it all. One could argue that this isn't the first time a sensitive issue has been glorified in this way, as the Columbine massacre game garnered a dick-load of controversy after it was created. But I imagine that it was your intention to do exactly the same, and perhaps a few well-known constitution-spinning douchebags would come to your defense on the news, thus labeling you as some sort of freedom fighter.

Unfortunately, it seems your fifteen minutes of fame have passed, and by the end of the day you won't be know as "Ryan Lambourn, the 21-year-old activist", rather "that douchebag kid who made the game about V-Tech just to get on the news".

Score: 2

"Oh god, Yoink"

submission: PsychoGoldfish Is a Loser

date: December 6, 2007

That was horrible. Further proving that white people have no beat whatsoever. The rhymes were middle-school esque and childish. Might want to rerecord the whole, voice cracking thing too.

Please, please just stop

Score: 10

"Jizztastic"

submission: Fulp Friction

date: September 5, 2005

I died a little inside.

Score: 9

"Loved it!"

submission: Sonic 3 | Ice Cap | Trance Mix

date: April 8, 2005

Thought it was one of the better versions of this song, and it was worth listening to.